Grief Made Me Do It pt 2
Yes, it’s true that grief changed me and for a while it turned me into a person I didn’t know, recognize, or like very much. But not all of the ways it changed me were bad…
It reminded what’s really important in life.
It reminded me who is important in my life.
I knew I was strong and resilient but it reinforced those things (even when I didn’t want those reminders) and it gave me strength and resilience that I never knew I needed.
It gave me a purpose in life that I never would have had and it has given me the opportunity to help others in a very powerful and important way.
It brought people into my life who I never would have met and gave me some of the most meaningful connections I’ve ever had.
Grief is very much like a game of tug of war…
It’s filled with good and bad moments.
Dark and light moments.
Heavy and not so heavy moments.
Sadness and celebration.
Loss and connections.
It may not always be easy to see the good in grief, but I promise you it’s there if you stay open to seeing it and receiving it.
Grief Made Me Do It
I’ve learned a lot about grief since my sister passed away. One of those things is how grief changes you, in all kinds of ways. Grief had me in a chokehold - for months right around the 1-year anniversary of when my sister passed away! It turned me into a person I didn’t recognize and quite frankly someone I didn’t like. I was exhausted, overwhelmed, forgetting things, lashing out at others, and I also made some choices that the pre-grief version of me would have never made. I’m living with the consequences of some of those actions still. But those “mistakes” or things I did that were out of my character don’t define me.
Now I’m not saying that grief is an excuse for treating people badly or engaging in behaviors we normally wouldn’t. What I am saying is it absolutely plays a part in us changing and doing things we may not normally do. It quite literally changes our brains!
So, if you have found yourself turning into someone you don’t recognize, you’re not alone. Just like my grief choices don’t define me, yours don’t define you either.
The Day That Changed Everything…
August 25, 2024 started out as an ordinary day. But the phone call I got after midnight on August 26, 2024 turned that day into a day that will forever hold a different, painful meaning…
One year ago today you took your last breath & my entire world came crashing down around me.
One year ago today since I’ve been able to call or text you.
One year ago today since I’ve been able to share good news with you.
One year ago today since I’ve been able to call you for advice when I make stupid decisions.
One year ago today since I’ve been able to send you pictures & updates of your nephew (who is a senior now, working, & driving). You’d be so proud of him.
One year ago today since I’ve been able to call when your parents piss me off.
One year ago today since my life changed in a way I never expected. It hasn’t been the same since. It will never be the same without you here.
I’m not quite sure how I’ve managed to survive the unthinkable & keep living without you here. I lost a piece of my heart one year ago today & some days I still have to remind myself to breathe.
Things will never be the same without you. I’ll never be the same without you, Sissy.
The Last Time We Spoke…
Confessions of a Grieving Sister:
It’s hard to believe that one year ago today was the last time we spoke. 365 days without talking to someone who I spoke to by text or on the phone almost every single day…
If I would have known that would be our last conversation & that 3 days later you’d be gone, I wouldn’t have argued with you. I would have called you back until you answered. I would have made sure I said I love you before we hung up the phone.
That conversation still haunts me to this day. I’m so mad at myself for not saying I love you back. I’m so mad at myself for not texting you that Sunday like I planned to. I’d give anything to turn back the hands of time. Maybe you’d still be here. Maybe I would have known something was wrong & could have helped.
Maybe none of those things would have changed anything, but maybe, just maybe it would have…& maybe you’d still be here.